Me, Myself, and I
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "ilikebgirls" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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01:04 pm
[Link] | So, I'm not so good at Super Mario Bros 3. Not good AT ALL! I can't get past the 2nd level lol. It's been way too long. Hahaha. I got the wii all set up and I'm super excited about it. Almost already addicted. Love it. My dad's character dude looks exactly like him. It's hilarious.
I got called into work early today. It wasn't so bad. I'm just tired. Bootcamp tonight. I need the workout. I didn't work out last night and I feel like a heffer. I just like the feeling of having worked out and feeling it in my muscles. It's addicting. For sure.
How about you judge your own life and stop trying to put your two cents in where it's not needed. I turned out just fine and there's plenty to deal with in your own life with your own family. No need to start in on mine. No room to talk, let's be honest. Pisses me off. MY FAMILY!!
Ugh.
Snackbar boy. :-)
I'm hungry.
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11:37 pm
[Link] | Why do I constantly think "what if?"
School is coming up. Not so much next week, but next month, and that's close enough. I'm really nervous. It's a completely different school, different area than I am used to driving, new teachers....I'm just really nervous. I want to go walk the campus and find all my classes before class actually starts. As in, a week or so before school starts. I'm really proud of my friend, Cynthia, for getting through this semester. She had so much on her plate. She would tell me all the time how tired she was, how little sleep she would get, all her assignments etc. It all seemed like so much and she did it. She pulled through and she ended up on top. She's truly someone I know will be going places someday....Someday soon. I have no doubt. She has a ton of drive and determination. I wish I had an ounce of what she has. I'm so scared for this semester. Mainly the drive back and forth. I don't want to be constantly rushed and end up late for things. I'm definitely going to have to drive it during the week to see about how long it takes with traffic around the time I'll be heading down there. I seriously worry about every tiny little thing.
I had a great day! Everything went very smoothly. I did really well with watching my food and counting my calories. The kids weren't TERRIBLE. I got to paint a picture frame (Little Mermaid) with Steph. Things just went really good. I don't know why I'm in such a funk, though. I guess I am tired. Didn't really feel like working out, but I went anyway. I wanted to see how many calories the spin class burned with my new heart rate monitor. I knew I would feel gross if I didn't go, but it really was brutal getting through it. Usually it kicks my butt, but it drives me to work hard and get through it. Tonight, I just didn't feel it. I wasn't driven and I wanted to just get it over with. I was slow moving towards the end of the day and I don't like that feeling. I felt down and mopey. Smiling almost took too much energy. I don't know if it was just that I didn't get much sleep (I thought I got enough), didn't get a whole lot of energy from what I ate (I ate very well-breakfast, snacks, lunch, etc and all types of food groups), or if it was just a funk I was destined to fall into. I felt very pessimistic about things. I'll get over it, I always do. It just happens sometimes. I've been really UP for awhile. Maybe it's just taken a lot out of me to be SOOOO happy and just SO good and REALLY optimistic that now I'm somewhat drained. I have no idea. Hopefully I will wake up to a better feeling in the morning.
I had a dream the other day. I probably won't elaborate too much on this because it bothers me and breaks my heart to think about. We were sitting at a table at a restaurant and my MOm was there. She was literally just sitting there looking around, observing everything and everyone around her....In our little circle. She just sat back and I could totally tell she was hurting inside. I could tell her heart was breaking. She was so sad seeing and realizing how everything is now and what's all happened since she's been gone. She looked lost and unsure of where to go from here. I just felt so heartbroken watching her. I couldn't talk or move. I wanted so badly to reach out to her, hold her, hug her, tell her it will be alright. Tell her that we can run away. Eff everyone. Eff what's happened. Eff everything. She deserves better, we're together again, nothing else matters. I just wanted to tell her how much I love her and how I haven't forgotten about her. How I waited for her. I DID. I never gave up and never moved on. I wanted to just help her get through that moment. I couldn't. I was stuck, mute. I couldn't reach out to her. I just had to sit and watch. It killed me inside. It kills me to think about. I think about it all the time. I guess that's why it's taken me so long to write about it. I wanted to get it down, though. Something that triggered a very strong emotion for me...I wanted it down in my journal. I have to move on from thinking about this. It's down. Done and Dunn.
I need to get the image of what I used to look like out of my head and have a little more confidence. Ha. right.
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12:20 pm
[Link] | Made spaghetti squash tonight-super easy and sooooo good! It tasted exactly like spaghetti! Loved it. Probably ate a little more than I should have, but it was all good stuff.
Everything seemed to go wrong yesterday. Surprisingly, I had a great day. I didn't let it get to me, I made the best out of everything, and was smiling and happy all day. Well, most of it. But I really couldn't say I felt like I had a "bad day."
My fingers and toes are cold. I enjoy the cold, though. I need to get the rest of my winter stuff out, wash it, and put it in my closet. I am hoping to go get new snowboard stuff this weekend. Everything I have, besides my snowboard, is too big. Not complaining, but still. I'm excited. I can't wait to go snowboarding the day after Christmas. Going to spend time with one of my favorite families(Karissa's), going to be in the snow, going to have a great time! I am so excited. Karissa is going to kick my ass down the mountain again, I know it. She got pretty bad ass the last time we went. It was her first year snowboarding! I was amazed. Some people are just naturals, I guess. Others have fears of breaking ribs again and let that stand in their way. I'm sure I'll get hurt again. I get hurt everytime I try to do something. My family gives me a hard time about it. "You're back? What'd you hurt this time?" lol
I should be heading into work right now, but I'm not. I'm being a little lazy. Hopefully I'll be back in my room today. Because I'm one of the few that are there till 6pm, I covered for one of the teachers who called out. I didn't know any of the kids and I was all alone in the room. It gets lonely. I don't like working alone. I get incredibly bored and the kids were too young to sit and actually have a conversation with. I missed my kids and I missed Stephanie and Alisha. Hopefully I'm back today.
We need more tupperware.
Our cactus blew out of the ground. wtf. Uncommon Arizona weather. I loved it, though. LOVED it.
Why do I get nervous about the most ridiculous things? Small things that it's like, "WHO CARES?!" I don't know what my problem is. I let it eat at me and it ends up bringing me down. It's stressful and for no reason at all. CHill.
Bootcamp is going great. I love it. I have somewhat of a schedule as far as my workouts throughout the week. So far, it's going pretty smoothly and I am seeing results. I'm happy about it. I have two lbs left to my first goal and then my next one is set for January 15th. Hopefully I can make it. I've been watching what I eat, working out good, and just being more conscious. I want it to be a lifestyle and I'm working on it. I'm a little nervous about how I'm going to work it out with school and all come January, but I'll figure it out, I'm sure. It's definitely going to be more stressful, considering I stress about EVERYTHING all the time. I'm scared to bring on more stress. Not that I have a lot now, but I don't handle stress well, so bringing on a load scares me. I get intimidated REALLY easily. By everything.
Okay, I have to go. Time for work. Bleh. CROSSING MY FINGERS.
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10:38 pm
[Link] | Getting up this morning sucked so bad. I was tired, cold, nervous...a pain. We met for bootcamp at the Y for our before stuff(sit ups, pushups, timed mile). I was already nervous because I haven't ran since the doctor told me not to with my stress fractures. Not only that, out of habit, I took my multi vitamin, fish oil pill, and hair/skin/nails pill. They aren't good on an empty stomach. I've forgotten to eat and puked a couple times from not eating with them. Well, I planned on not eating before bootcamp because I was running late and if I eat right before I work out, I'm guaranteed to puke. So I was screwed. I told myself this would be one of the times I wouldn't get sick, but I wasn't sure. Well, maybe 20 seconds into the mile I'm gagging and dry heaving. Not because I was tired, not because I was pushing it too hard. I felt fine except the uncontrollable urge to throw up zero food. It was embarrassing. Finally, I burped, felt a little better, and kept running. Then, it hit again. I tried not to concentrate on the feeling of throwing up, but I couldn't help it. It just made it worse when the trainer, cory, ran up beside me telling me to push the pace, don't slow down, keep going. All great things that I like for trainers to do on a normal basis, but it just added to the gagging. Lol I pretty embarrassed and, of course, it did make my time slower, but I was surprised by the time. If I didn't feel nauseous, didn't have to stop a couple seconds thinking it was coming up, I think I could have done pretty well. I'm going to work really hard at this bootcamp thing. I wanna see results and I want to improve my numbers by the end. I'm excited. Week #1 down.
So my laptop is being lame. It keeps acting like its going to start up-that fan inside start up sound, like it's revving up-but the screen stays black, it seems to try for a little bit, then it gives up, turns off, stops trying, and starts all over again. I've taken the battery out, let the battery die, then plugged it in, all that mess. Nothing's helped. It just does it over and over and over and over. Sucks. I'm probably going to have to take it in somewhere for people to look at it. I just don't like the idea of strangers messing with my shit. Not to mention, it's pricey.
Whatevs. Friday-not much went on. Bootcamp, dinner, didn't hear back, so home. I had to be up saturday morning by 5am anyway for the Dash for M.A.S.H. I wouldn't feel like doing much knowing I had to get up so early. Saturday-quite the morning. Cross country meet coaches are jerks when you get in the way of their runners. It was intense. That's where the race people told us to go, so that's where were going to go. It's a public park. You wanna call someone or ask how legit it is, you can go talk to sheriff joe, he's right over there. Go ahead. It was crazy. He called someone and said, "fists are gonna start flying. Someone needs to get over here" lol what? Really? He was such a prick. Ask us nicely and we probably would have moved, even though we were told to walk there. But to scream at the top of your lungs being incredibly aggressive and rude? Screw you. billy should have pushed him in the lake. :-) concert that night. Pretty cool. Budlight-not cool. sunday-bootcamp. Birthday eve. (Not excited).
Almost done with push. It's okay so far. I'm looking forward to finishing so I can start the other book.
It's done.
Got some super cute jewelry and jackets. Excited for that.
I need a new purse.
I want a new truck.
I didn't organize my life as much as I wanted to this weekend. I was so spent by the end of my days, I wasn't in the mood. This week? A little bit? Maybe? Bleh.
And so reality hits once again. Fine fine.
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11:01 pm
[Link] | My legs feel worked. I was soaked. I feel good about it.
I want my phone to make more noise. Not the email noise...but the text/call noise. I also want to smile when I see who the text/call is from.
I think I have a plan for Christmas. I need to start shopping and officially organize my life so I don't buy stuff and lose it lol. This weekend, I'm getting it done. ALLLLLL of it. Bootcamp, organize my room, wash my winter stuff(it's been packed away all year), put winter stuff away.
I wonder what the fastest rate your heart will go before you kill over.
I could hang my clothes tomorrow...I'll fix my schedule tomorrow for sure.
I need a butt. Steph says I have a long back.
I need a new good book. I don't know where to start.
I need a distraction.
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11:10 pm
[Link] | Boot camp starts Wednesday. I'm so nervous. I know that no one is expected to do well the first day, week, whatever. I just don't want to be the worst and feeling like I'm going to puke. I understand that if I were to feel like I was going to puke, I'd be pushing myself, and that is good. I just don't want to embarrass myself by having to run out of the room lol. I have had this phobia of puking in public ever since 5th grade. Whenever I get even close to feeling like I'm going to throw up in public, I freak and lock myself away in the bathroom or go home. (I threw up in the middle of class in 5th grade, got it everywhere. So embarrassing.) I'm sure I'll be fine, though. I'm not super fit or anything, but I have been working out for awhile now. I don't think I'll completely die or anything. I do look forward to the challenge. EEEEeeek.
I'm nervous about school. I have to finalize some things with my schedule, but it's pretty much set. I just have to drop one of the classes because I'm going to take it during Summer 1 this year. I don't need to take 15 credits. I don't want to stress myself out. It's not going to make the end come any sooner if I eliminate one class this semester.
When will it happen?!! Not today, that's for sure.
I need a belt.
I don't really know what to write about. I guess, out of bordom, I decided to post anyway.
I miss him. What's new?
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10:51 pm
[Link] |
This is an old post.
I check EEEEEEEEEEVERYDAY. For what? It's not going to make a difference anyway. Why? Ridiculous.
I've been pushing myself pretty good at the gym. Nothing over the top, but I definitely feel it when I get home. I need to start with the weights again. I signed up for bootcamp. We start next Wednesday at 630pm. I'm pretty nervous about it. I have a feeling I'm going to get my butt kicked. I'm just going to do my best and not compare myself to anyone else. I will just get discouraged and down on myself if I do that. Not to mention, self conscious. I look forward to the results and getting into better shape. There's an up side. :-)
My tire blew on the way home from the gym last night. Thank goodness for my Dad. I got the crank thingie and the tire down by myself, but everything after that would have been a pain. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW how to change a tire by myself...It would just take a LONG time for me, I think. I'm picturing it now and it's pretty comical. What am I going to do without my Daddy one day? I was talking about it with girls from work today. I am absolutely terrified to lose him too. I feel like I will be completely lost and clueless. I won't know what to do with myself. He helps me with so much. He's my knight in shining armor. He saves me when I need saving, he takes care of the tough stuff, he fixes everything. I guess it will be yet another learning experience for me, but I don't want to see that day. I love my Dad so much, I can't lose him too. It's a daily fear of mine. It's constantly in the back-no, front-of my mind. He is the best man I have ever met in my life.
I need to move forward.
I ordered new PCA skincare stuff. I think the stuff I was using was stripping the moisture from my face. It always feels tight and dry and not like it used to. So I got the cream cleanser rather than the regular face wash, along with the max hydration moisturizer. Apparently specifically for dry skin. I'm hoping it brings it back and ends up being the ticket.
I've actually been using my calendar in my blackberry and it's made my life so much easier. I have it on me at all times, pretty much anyway, so it's more convenient than carrying around a planner. I am actually remembering dates and events. Before, I just would forget about things that were coming up, miss events, not remember important stuff....Not anymore. It's not like the calendar feature is a new thing with cell phones by any means, I just never really used it.
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10:23 pm
[Link] | Jennifer's belly is getting so big and cute. She's a cute preggo chick. I think people look so cute pregnant.
The new Family Guy episodes....Not that great.
I found this workout video that I've had for a long time now. I'm doing it tomorrow. I remember I loved it.
I have the worst tension headache today and it won't go away.
Nostalgia. every friggin' day!! ugh.
Part of me says, "eff it. time filler," another part of me says, "not a good idea." There were a lot of signs that said "no." So I am going with that.
Mesa? It's so far, but if I have to do it, I will. Driving an 30mins-1hr everyday? Yuck. I'm glad the lady responded so quickly. I'm looking forward to this next chapter.
The new book hasn't really held my interest so far.
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12:07 am
[Link] | Why am I writing so much?
I had a really great night with my family. It made me so happy to have my Dad there, finally. I know he was tired and it was a little late, but he was a trooper.
I found an awesome hummingbird wind chime at the store inside the restaurant. So beautiful. I'm hanging it up tomorrow. I really wish my Mom was here for all that's going on in my life these days. I could use her unconditional love and just to listen to me vent or talk about things...itd be so nice to be completely open and free with someone knowing they aren't judging you and will love you and be there no matter what. I hate that, now that I'm growing up, feeling more like an adult, I'm unable to share that "adult" relationship with her. I feel like I've matured a lot and come a long way in the last few years and I just know we would have grown closer and been able to experience more of an adult mother/daughter connection. You know how you have your phases of your relationship as you grow up...I won't really get to experience that full on adult relationship with her. It makes me sad. I feel robbed.
I want to run again!! Ugh.
Everyone is moving away.
My eyes burn. I need sleep. I'm going to read first. Starting a new book. I hate my router connection.
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03:41 am
[Link] | I read. That was my solution for the night. Read. Finished the book. It is now 3:42am, but I finished the book. I cried. Of course. I never used to be such a sap. I'm a wimp these days. I suppose, like many other things I'm discovering, I get that from my mom as well. I used to always make fun of her for crying with things-books, movies, tv shows. She would say I was "cold hearted," "dead inside," "stone." Lol we laughed, it was always fun picking at each other. Now, I'm lucky if I get through anything without finding something that makes me emotional. Maybe it's a good thing. If I can't/won't cry and let anything out on my own, in my day to day life, maybe stuff like that is good to help draw it out. Sort of like giving me the release I don't normally allow myself just because. I don't really let myself feel because I feel. Almost like it's wrong or unacceptable to be emotional and a "baby" about it. I know deep down it's normal, acceptable, and I'd tell anyone it wasn't good to hold it in. For some reason, I just can't allow myself to let it out-let myself express it fully-let myself release that emotion and just really FEEL it. Maybe I subconsciously let it come out when watching or reading something because I have something to blame it on...they made me do it-im crying about the movie, not my life-when, in reality, I'm totally crying over MY stuff. Whatever gets it out, though, right? I'm just thankful I still feel. Even if I do keep it in, locked away, and hidden for the most part. I bite my tongue on 78% of things I deal with everyday, I don't fully ever express myself to anyone, I have secrets I can share with almost no one, I don't allow myself to accept my Mom's death, I go on with my day to day life basically convinced I'm walking/talking/living a dream that ill wake up from any minute...I guess I pretty much suck at full expression of any sort of true thought/feeling/emotion. I half ass that part of my life, I guess you could say, and I know it's not healthy. I don't speak my mind, I don't share what I truly feel, I don't even allow myself to take the time to really completely feel things in the first place. If I don't make time to feel it, it's not felt, if it's not felt, it's not real? Maybe that's how I'm seeing it? Whatevs. I'm all over the place with this and I pretty much don't make any sense. Again, there goes my not making time to sort through my thoughts and feelings to truly express them. Another time, another day, I'm sure.
I love the cold. Love. <3
I guess I can sleep now.....
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11:41 pm
[Link] | Why can't it work? It could work. I would do my best, anyway. I would kind of have to. It'd either be that or nothing...I certainly don't want "nothing."
Too much weird shit-getting lost, messed up steering crap, wrong turn-offs, super big/LONG shooting star, highway hypnosis, and just lame lame lame and more lame.
Suspense is kiiiiiiilling me. Not.
Next chapter in my life is chosen and I'm very pleased with what's to come. I'm excited and relieved. I really am.
I could, but I won't. Not tonight. No, not tonight.
"Gonna miss ya...but not really." Lol!
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11:04 pm
[Link] | I'm feeling so very lost with my direction in life as far as my career goes. I'm feeling discouraged, unsure, wishy washy, and a complete lack of confidence. I am basically starting from scratch. Its too late in the game to be starting from here. I speak with a counselor tomorrow-i don't know exactly what she can really do to help me decide what I want to do, but we will see. I can see myself working as a vet tech or something, maybe a behavioral health tech...but that's all I got. There's not a whole lot else I'm feeling too passionate about. Ill worry about this tomorrow.
I'm going to be exhausted.
I'm a jerk.
Almost done with this stupid book. It better make me cry or something. Its taken too long.
I wish Id win the lottery.
I keep thinking about when the last time ill hear from him will be. Maybe last time was it. Maybe it'll be the next time. Its shorter and more vague each time. It was probably this last time. I pick apart everything and I over analyze every aspect of my life, it seems. I don't think my brain would have allowed me to follow my heart.
I don't want to get up tomorrow. My mind won't re
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08:59 pm
[Link] | i might have to start from the beginning again. Sucks! i will know everything tomorrow.
that bridge is burned.
it came.
i'm so ready for payson. calling my gram now.
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07:26 pm
[Link] |
Writer's Block: Relive in the moment
Aside from the obvious of wanting to relive every hour, minute, second with my Mom again...I would relive the hour of Valentine's Day with my ex, Tim. He made my favorite dinner and dessert, decorated his room, had candles out, flowers, card, everything. It was pretty much the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. It took so much thought and effort. It was probably one of the happiest moments of my life. I'll never forget that moment when I walked into that room. He truly is amazing. I can't believe I let myself get into such a hole with my life that I let it all go. He will always be that one that got away for me. I was talking to Steph about that awhile back. Everyone has that someone. That one that they'll never fully get over and move on from. Someone they compare everyone to. That person who will always have a piece of your heart. He's that someone for me. I was a mess then. I became a person I didn't know and I never want to be again. He truly did save my life, though. He'll always have that place in my heart, also, because he's what made me open my eyes. Losing the love of your life will change you completely and forever. Luckily, for me, for the better. I am forever thankful to him for that. He'll never know how much he's done for me. I don't even want to know where I would be today had he not left me and made me realize the hurt I was causing myself along with everyone else. I'm so disgusted. I think about it, pretty much, every day. As much as I miss him more than anything and will always have that love for him, wishing I never let myself push him away....I know it was for the best. It helped me become who I am today. It helped me overcome the distruction I was doing to myself. It made me realize I had a serious problem. I don't think he'll ever realize the impact he has had on people's lives...Just being the wonderful person he is. One of those people you will never forget and you're just happy to have met and experienced in life. Truly one in a million. One in a billion, rather. It'll always be him.
Phew, Meghan needs to move forward with this.......on a less emotional note: I don't have to stop all physical activity! I don't have to be a complete bum. I went to the orthopedic doctor today and he said to keep putting some stress on my legs and my bones will grow denser to adapt. Granted, I can't go out and run 5 miles right now, but he said, after a few weeks, I can begin to slowly work towards running again. For now, I can still work out-Bike, Elyptical, brisk walking, hiking, stuff that's not so jarring. I am so thankful. I was so scared to hear that I basically had to rest for 6 months. From what I was reading, that's what I was expecting. I was all smiles. It was cool to see the actual fractures in my bone on the scans too. He said it wasn't going to be painless, but eventually, my bones will rebuild and get stronger....It would basically be worse for me if I DID stop everything completely, rest, and let it heal up. It would just end up fracturing again, wouldn't get used to the stress being put on it, wouldn't rebuild any stronger than it currently already was, and I'd be right back where I am now. I was so thankful. He wrote me a prescription for orthotics as well-actually, to see the doctor who custom makes them. I am pretty excited about that. I feel so off balance when I run, so hopefully this will help a great deal. I feel so optimistic about everything right now. Of course, my legs still hurt really bad. Especially at night when I've laid in one position for a long time. I can get past that, though. I will. So happy.
I got less than 3 hours of sleep last night. Why? I have no clue. Was I tired? Extremely. Did I avoid distractions and actually try to sleep? For the most part. Did I have to get up super early this morning? OF COURSE. Bleh. I felt so out of it and weak today. My body was definitely feeling the lack of sleep. I ended up just coming home and not going to the gym. I don't think I could have pushed through any sort of workout even if I tried. I felt so weak and lethargic. My legs kept buckling throughout the day and I felt completely off balance. I couldn't focus on anything and my fuse was short. It was still a pretty good day, though. I just couldn't wait to get out of there. I'm home. Probably going to read a little and try to go to bed early. It's already 8pm.
I'm crampy.
My animals rule my bed and it's pretty pathetic on my part that I allow this.
I think I am going to head up to Payson this weekend. It'll be nice to get out of this heat that has hit us once again, not to mention, visit with my Gram and Uncle Nathan. I miss them and I haven't made any time to hang out with them. It's been awhile since I've been up there. I'll probably take my bike, Purdy, my paintings, hoodies, and enjoy the crap out of it. Hogs in heat this weekeeeeend. Can't wait. I haven't been there since I was a little girl. Awesome memories. I really look forward to it. It's decided.
I need to clean my room! I'm feeling anxious and annoyed with it. This week, for sure.
Tags: relive, second chance, writer's block
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10:20 pm
[Link] | I feel kind of stupid. But ok.
Today is Steph's birthday. I'm glad she had a good time.
I didn't do a damn thing on Halloween night. Friday night, yes, Saturday, not so much. I was just spent and didn't know of anything that was going on until I'd already decided to stay home. I guess I'm just done and spent with Halloween for this year. I'll make up for it next year.
Why do I care? I don't like that my mind finds its way to thinking, "Wonder what they're doing right now," quite often. I have other things to worry about and things I should be thinking about-that's not one of them.
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I found out, was meeting the guy, ran into some other chick he was seeing, and found out he was either seeing her right after our meeting our just got done seeing her. I'm not sure. He was already with someone else, in the process of supposedly breaking it off. lol so that's three women in the mix and I'm preggo with his baby. The chick who he was seeing along with me was the chick that was on the show, Cheaters, I'd watched earlier that night. It was so weird, but it felt so real. I woke up completely freaked out. My heart was racing, I felt that I WAS pregnant. That's how real it felt. Obviously, I'm not, but that was just a weird feeling to have. I don't ever want to experience something like that. I don't ever want to be embarrassed of my child's father. Honestly, I'm not going to lie, I think about when I'm going to have my child on pretty much a daily basis. I don't know if it's working around kids everyday, seeing my friends with their kids, I dunno. I just have baby fever. I'll get in my moods-one minute I'll be all about loving to have a kid now if things were in place(man, home, career), other times I'm like, whoa, I'm not ready. I mean, clearly, because I'm not. But the thought of having everything in place right now to begin to have one would be nice.
I pigged out this weekend. too much. The gym is going to be my home away from home this week.
I see my orthopedic doc Tuesday. I'm so nervous.
I don't want it to warm back up. I loved the cool weather.
I could write all night long about nonsense, but the real stuff just isn't going to come out. Not tonight. Bleh. Night.
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09:35 pm
[Link] | It's coming...
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10:41 pm
[Link] | It was good to hear from him again. It definitely made my day. If only circumstances were different. If only...who knows? But things aren't different and we won't see anytime soon. *shrug* he'll always have a piece of my heart and I've accepted that. I'm okay with that, because I'm thankful to have met him, learned from him, and just to have experienced him in general.
My legs hurt so bad. I'm so nervous to talk with the orthopedic doc. I don't want to hear that I have to stop this and that. I'm so scared. If I have to, ill swim lol. Embarrassing!
Another engaged pregnant friend. I'm so happy for them. It's sweet. So weird to see all my friends becoming Moms and Dads. Will it ever be my time?
I ate a ton tonight. Huge tuna sandwich, rice cake chip thingies(I could eat the whole bag if I let myself), and peas and carrots. I think I was so hungry, I ended up eating super fast...I didn't allow myself to take my time, enjoy, get full. I just scarfed! Mmm. It was good, though. Now I want cake. I always want cake. I love cake. I wish I could eat a whole cake right now and not one calorie go into my system. Oh, how lovely thatd be.
Hippie nation!
Its COLD and I love it.
I love him.
Gotta pee.
The end. Done and Dunn.
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10:41 pm
[Link] | im broken. literally.
take care? *sigh*
Halloween is coming up. I am going to the gym tomorrow after work, biking-so i don't mess up my legs more-, hitting up the 70's store, then heading to the grocery store to get a pumpkin which I plan to carve. The isles and isles of candy don't make me very happy at all. I am so tempted to buy a bag of my favorite candies, but i know I will finish it before the week is over. It's that bad. I am addicted to chocolate. ADDICTED. Mmmm.
Im spray painting my hair black for the halloween day at work on Friday. it's going to be quite the shock for everyone. I just don't know how I'm going to do my hair yet. It's the temporary hair dye stuff you get for costumes and junk. I just don't want it leaving a grey after color or something.
I look forward to Friday. My cousin is having a party. I told her I'd go.
Linkin Park.
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12:20 am
[Link] | There's a void. It starts all over again. I knew what I was getting into...doesn't make the absence of that friendship any easier to handle. I never was, nor will I ever be #1. I think, deep down, I knew that all along. I don't blame him. I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I just miss my friend, more than anything. Already. I laughed. I needed to laugh. I laughed a lot. It was so refreshing and reviving to laugh and smile so much again. He's always been that for me. I needed that. Thinking back, I've always been reminded of him with things, thought "wonder what he's doing now," or just wondered "what if." I didn't realize, until recent reflecting, how much he crossed my mind over the years. He probably always will. Just one of those things, right? That's life and life happens. Mine certainly does.
Brian is childish and stubborn. Done. I don't have the time, desire, and energy. He's so full of shit, its coming out his ears and nose.
Watched the games today. It was okay-ate too much.
MRI tomorrow/today for sure. I hate getting up early.
Tuesday-school.
I wish my mind would let me sleep right now. I have a strong feeling it's not going to let me.
Creeeeeepers!
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12:11 am
[Link] |
old post
I have felt nauseous when I lay down for the past week. I don't know why the hell it happens, but it sucks. Its such a gross feeling. Why, before laying down, I'm fine, no problems? Yet, once I'm in bed, I feel just blegh? Its weird.
I have my MRI tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it. I've kind of been pulling this "mind over matter" crap with myself and kept running. Its hard and it makes getting through it that much harder. Not only do I need to push myself to get past my body being tired and my lungs being spent, but I need to keep reminding myself not to think about the pain, distracting myself with motivational thoughts. Sometimes I get into these "highway coma" type trances while running and it makes getting back into a groove hard because I'm having to readjust and refocus myself. I get sloppy and flumpy at times, giving into my exhaustion, and that just makes for cramps and more hardship on my knee. It doesn't help that I'm flat footed, either. I end up having to focus extra hard on my landing and junk. I am just addicted, though. I got lost last night. Ended up running a mile detour to get home. It pushed me, though. On my cooldown walk with purdy, I ran into this guy and his adorable puppy twice. It was funny. Purdy loves the dog...the guys not bad looking either. He lives one street down. I see him pretty much every time I run. He's nice. Lol oh, and my uncle brought over some pepper spray from the police department for me! My dad is super nervous about me running alone in the dark in our neighborhood, so my uncle stepped in. I think its awesome and super cute that they care. I get their concerns, but I don't think ill ever have to use the stuff. Definitely as a last resort thing. Knowing me, I'd drop the stuff or end up spraying myself. It was super sweet, though. I have the best family!!
I should be sleeping. I've been looking stuff up on the computer all day! Ugh. Full day tomorrow.
I'm having a battle within myself. Part of me wants to give in because I know the end result already, another part of me says I'm better than that. If its for the right reasons and not in hope, I don't see the problem.
I miss my Mom. I love my Dad.
It better not be hot tomorrow, I have to drive the jeep.
Lost 3lbs. Ill prob gain it eating a sandwich and drinking water anyway, but its stayed below my previous weight consistently for three days now. So I think its official. Lol weak.
Halloweeeeeeeen.
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